December again.

Twenty second of December, year of 2010. Hello.

I've been doing a decent amount of reading, but haven't been writing. Because I hate writing trivial things on blogs, and I cannot structure my opinions like I used to do, where thoughts are rather sporadic these days. I can be decent today and a monster tomorrow; and what separated the two personalities? Perhaps only a glance of someone's picture, a phrase, or a nightmare that night. I don't know my self so well at 19; I bet I knew myself better when I was 17. I knew what I wanted, I had clear intentions, I had my believes and my principles for living deeply rooted. Today I doubt, I question, and I doubt even more because people around me, they confuse me. You're not wrong to call me disillusioned, dad, because I am.

Have I made all the wrong choices when I had all the freedom to make them when I past 12? I admit, I forced my parents to let me have my way in certain things when I was younger- I refuse ballet, I refuse violin, I refuse to practice the piano, I refuse the dresses my mum bought me. Do I regret it all? Sadly, I do. But those are inessential matters I could do without; choices I made when I was 12 was something I could ponder about- the what if's I chose the other way? What if I had gone to another institution? What if I chose to do something else? Would there be lesser psychological pain when someone or some incident today pierced my ego? Would there be better days ahead? Would there be a different kind, a better kind or challenge that I could pursue today?

I need someone like Hassan from the Kite runner.
I need someone to completely eat up my ego.

I don't hear you, it must be because I didn't even talk to you.