I'm determined to write something here and publish it when I'm done- no matter how badly I've composed this entry. In the earlier highschool days, I'll just write what comes to mind, I barely compose and structure posts before hitting the publish button- simply because I didn't care! After I left highschool and my eyes open to things Outside St John and all the principles it fed me, one of the things that I'd realized that was my English and writing skills were no where near decent. I'd try to write structure thoughts properly and then jot it down in paragraphs, but most of the time there's too much going on in my mind- too much till I don't know where to start and structure it. Best thing is, I'm lazy to compose it properly. Even if I do, its halfway done, so they end up in drafts.
So after spamming twitter after work for the ban of it in office grounds, I'd realized that I've been extremely lazy- to structure thoughts. As my thoughts are already all over and it causes me to speak of topics completely out of the discussion, it'll be bad if I can't even put things together in my mind in writing. And if I continue on relying on twitter, I won't be writing anymore. It'll messed up my mind when I don't conclude things and form a definite opinion. It'll add to my confusion as I already am confused.
I've just passed my 20th birthday 11 days ago. As of now I'm working as an intern at DP Architects, Friday the 11th wasn't good to go back at 7pm- wouldn't want to get stuck in the customs! So it was too late when my cousin didn't reply my dinner msg, I headed to the massively crowded Suntec city instead! IT show was on, people were simply crazy; purchasing stuff as if it was the end of the world. (you know, in the end, you'd want to enjoy and indulge in a little more materialistic happiness before you turn into ash) And I'd really wonder why people would queue up so long to sign up for new starhub contracts? Oh. The Materialism i witness, it was downright scary. I have a love-hate relationship with materialism- I'll be telling myself to work hard and earn more money so I could enjoy the benefits of materialism; next I'll be condemning materialism and for myself to think that way.
That was also the day I had a heartbreak.
I hate seeing disasters; it breaks my heart truly. I know, the signs, why would not people believe? After spending 28 bucks on the not-really-needed audio-technica portable speakers, I went back into the room to cry. There's no need to guess why; I'm just downright confused. My dad is a great role model for me to learn values from- and I'd say he was successful in being one- and then I'm thrown into the sea to take my first swimming lessons. The world distracts and defiles your principles so very easily, if you don't have something solid to hold on to. It tells you that you're not fit for it if that's how you live your life, you're boring, you're too good, you're no fun, you don't look good enough, your clothes are not good enough, you aren't smart enough, you're not talented enough. The waves comes crashing in, you shed some tears, but you should realized that you're bounded by a rope, tied onto something immovable, solid, and you should also be holding on tightly to that rope, not letting a chance to let go of it.
So I struggle once in awhile. But I'm bounded by a rope, feels good to know that.
How did I get in there? I don't know. But I thank God for this opportunity. Many students placed their preference on this firm; and by my own knowledge that I knew I wouldn't get it, I placed my preference for smaller firms nearby my area, completely ruling out this company, located right in the heart of the city of Singapore. When I was told I got to do my internship in this company, I was rather shocked at first! I had no confidence in my portfolio- I knew I've not been doing well in year 2 and my portfolio needs to be worked on- so who chose me for it? Did the computer randomly picked out my name, or did my class teacher (whom I really secretly dislike as all the other students do,) recommend me?
Zhi Rong and I were picked out for internship to this company, and I got to know him during the start of Year 1 during the combined class induction outing. Well, I'd say I didn't quite enjoy his character then, but since we hadn't work together much, I'll leave the judging for later. First impressions are important but don't always work sometimes. Yeap, third week now working with him. I get to know this person more, and I'd say I prefer someone who knows what's the meaning of Chill. I get annoyed sometimes, but I've concluded that this 6 weeks shall be a test for myself.
Well then. The people in DP are pretty great, so far. Haven't meet anyone that I've had a bad impression on. We were brought around the studios on the first day, and it really opened my eye on things! Located in Marina Square, 2 offices at both ends of the shopping mall. And everyday I passed by Synwin several times, its a treat and a torture to see such a pretty shop. When I get a meagre sum of cash I shall purchase new strings for the violin and cello, ABRSM books if I can't find any used/photocopied ones, and a ukulele ! (and then maybe a hardcase for the cello and a new violin) Well, cash! I don't have much now :) Minus the 100 bucks I owe my cousin for the upcoming switchfoot concert!
The digression. Well DPA. I love the bay I'm located in, haven't got so comfortable and cozy since I don't know when! (Hope year 3's studio will be as good. Finally, for the ailment of not having a class studio for year 2!) The people around my bay have been good, Zu Hui- 2 years my SP senior on my right have been entertaining me and teaching me ways to exploit all the little benefits, and have been extremely helpful to us newbies despite being busy with her own work to finish! Admit that I'd be pretty annoyed if one asked me too many questions repetitively, and her patience in willingness to help is something for me to learn! I'd talked to her one day on the long ride home one evening, and well, so far I have good impressions on her. Sharing little titbits and snack is oh-so-common, Hawaiian chocolates travelling into our bay from who knows which faraway back it originated from, to a variety of sweets and cup noodles on Zu Hui's shared food basket always in my reach. And people like me who find joy in getting a Free drink from the vending machine, visits the pantry too often to get more free flow biscuits and Lipton tea. The shared folder is really something! Zu Hui sends me links once in awhile to folders where people share their MP3 files, and its pretty darn awesome 8D I'd realized she played Jazz trumpet in secondary school days, well how cool can it be! Well although they pay the bare minimum, I'm glad to have learn about things in this line as well as making new friends who are pretty good natured.
Okay. Year 2 results out!
I cried because I didn't believe it. I wanted to know just to confirm things, as I've already prepared myself and my parents not to expect things to be like year 1- and then carry on with life and hopefully I'll improve myself in days to come. Year 2 haven't been good, I tried, but I'm forever envious of people who works better than I do, and know its very hard to catch up with them because I don't have a lecturer as caring as those of year 1. I don't take enough initiative. Ends up to be I think I've fallen a bit lazy after I'm tired of things. I barely have the stamina and will to go on when I'm tired. Is that called laziness? :( I wasn't 'happy' with my portfolio because I've seen excellent ones. Always delivering 'just enough'. Stopping work aka. quitting early. Procrastinating. Those are sins of an architecture student, I know I've committed it and I should be facing the consequences.
But no. Given another chance to prove myself better than I think myself to be.
Empat. Betul, Empat. Disbelieve.
I shall not narrate how my intern colleague had a dramatic episode in the office, but I shall take what Zu Hui advice after I told her of my situation and struggle with mediocrity:
"Just take it. God gave it to you. "
God defies logic.
Thank you Father God. :)
Guess You kept my little 'silly in my eyes' prayer I said a year ago? And Your faithfulness tells me that You are in control, healed my recent heartbreak, and no matter how heartbreakingly big the matter may be I need not be afraid.
And The Pilot who controls and always saves the aircraft that has failed its own means to save itself in that crashing situation!